


Dennis Dates a Nice Girl

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [3]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, Post-Season 12, Screenplay/Script Format, fan episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: Dennis reveals to the gang that he now has a steady girlfriend. To the gang’s utter shock, she seems smart, well-adjusted, and confident. This pushed them all to investigate due to their belief that she’s not all that she seems to be.[ IASIPspec. Season 13, episode two. ]





	

**Author's Note:**

> The long-awaited episode 2 in the IASIPspec series! For those of you just joining us, Charlotte is an OC and Charlie's sister who was introduced more properly in the season 13 opener, "The Gang Meets Charlie's Sister". For those of you who have stuck with us from then, enjoy the continuing adventures of the gang! As usual, any questions regarding the series can be directed to iasipspec.tumblr.com, our home base. Enjoy!

**SEASON 13, EPISODE 2**

**WRITTEN BY TAYLOR**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“2:06 PM**

**ON A SUNDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**(Over titles, dialogue is heard)**

 

**MAC**

You've gotta be joking, man.

 

**DENNIS**

Mac, I have never been more serious about anything in my entire life.

 

**DEE**

Are you seriously trying to tell us that -

 

**DENNIS**

Yes! Yes, yes, I’ve said it a thousand times!

 

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS and CHARLOTTE are behind the bar. CHARLIE and DEE are sitting at one of the tables, and MAC is standing near them and reading a magazine. DENNIS is very obviously frustrated with the rest of them.**

 

**DENNIS**

This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you guys. I knew you wouldn’t believe me.

 

**DEE**

Yeah, we _don’t_ believe you. What are you trying to pull?

 

**DENNIS**

I’m not pulling anything, I’ve been in a very serious relationship with this woman for going on a month now, and -

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Rolling her eyes)**

Bull _shit._

 

**DENNIS**

\- And for my sake, and for the sake of all of you I’ve decided it was time I came clean and introduce her to everybody.

 

**DEE**

So that’s where you’ve been disappearing to?

 

**DENNIS**

Yes, yes, that’s where I’ve been going at night. We’ve been going on dates.

 

**MAC**

**(Just as skeptical as the rest of them)**

What’s her name?

 

**DENNIS**

I’m glad you asked. See? Someone among us is behaving reasonably. Mac, her name is Sarah.

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Under his breath)**

Sounds fake.

 

**DENNIS**

What?

 

**CHARLIE**

It sounds like a fake name

 

 **DENNIS** **  
** What about that sounds like a fake name?

 

**CHARLIE**

I mean, who names their kid Sarah? Sounds really sketchy. You sure she’s not imaginary?

 

**Everyone stares at CHARLIE for a moment.**

  


**DENNIS**

Why would she be imaginary… You know what? Never mind. She’s an actress, and she does theatre. _Very_ smart girl. She’s been in Shakespeare and everything. She’s going to be here soon, and I want to impress her with my humble home base and my group of intellectual, kindhearted friends.

 

**CUT TO: A shot of the gang. CHARLOTTE is biting her fingernails, DEE is picking her nose, MAC is digging his finger into his ear, and CHARLIE is attempting to scratch an elusive itch on his back.**

 

 **DENNIS** **  
** **(Through gritted teeth)**

We’re fucked.

 

**CUT TO: THEME, INTRO**

 

 

**SCENE 2:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS is attempting to instruct the gang on how to behave when a KNOCK echos through the room. DENNIS smooths out his hair.**

 

**DENNIS**

That’ll be her. Try not to embarrass me too much, would you? ...Come in!

 

**In steps SARAH, a statuesque woman dressed like a million bucks and carrying herself confidently. She waves cheerily at DENNIS, who waves back, in perfect imitation of a happy couple.**

 

**CUT TO: The gang, whose jaws have all dropped practically onto the floor. They’re impressed, and slightly confused - How did DENNIS manage to score this one?**

 

**SARAH steps forward and plants one right on DENNIS’ lips. She’s smiling widely.**

 

**SARAH**

**(Noticing the gang’s half-empty drinks strewn about)**

Ooh, you guys started the welcome party without me?

 

**CUT TO: The gang, still in shock. Finally, MAC musters up the courage to say something, despite being just as intimidated as the rest of the gang.**

 

**MAC**

Uh. Wow, okay, hi there. I’m Mac, Dennis’ best buddy.

 

**SARAH**

Oh yeah, he mentioned you! It’s nice to finally put a face to the name. Although I didn’t think you’d be so tall.

 

**DEE**

**(Cutting in, doing her best impression of a suave and cool flirt but failing miserably)**

And I’m Dee, Dennis’ twin sister. I’m kind of the face of Paddy’s Pub.

 

**DENNIS**

No, Dee, you’re really not.

 

**DEE**

**(Shoving past MAC to grab SARAH’S hand and shake it a bit too roughly)**

Yes, I am! I’m also the heart and soul of the place, but I don’t like to say that upfront ‘cause I’m pretty modest.

 

**DENNIS**

**(Taking the reigns of the conversation in an effort to avoid any more of his friends’ embarrassing blunders. Motions to the Charlies.)**

Uh, that's Charlie and Charlotte. They’re siblings. Don’t ask why they have the same name.

 

**CHARLIE**

Pleased to make your as-quaintance (sic)

 

**DENNIS**

And uh… that’s Frank.

 

**FRANK**

**(Bounding up to SARAH with a gleeful look in his eye)**

Frank Reynolds, nice to meet’cha.

 

**Rather than looking awkward or confused, as most would upon being greeted with the strangeness that is the gang, SARAH seems to be taking their oddities in stride.**

 

**SARAH**

It’s so great to finally meet you all. Dennis has told me so much about all of you, and I’m excited to get to know you all myself. It’s a real treat to be able to hang out with all of you.

 

 **THE GANG (sans DENNIS) all look at one another. They raise their eyebrows. An unspoken three words pass between all of them -** **_‘She’s too perfect’_ ** **.**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**EXT: THE ALLEYWAY BEHIND PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**MAC and CHARLIE are taking out the garbage. They haven’t spoken before this, but the proverbial elephant in the room is becoming too much to ignore. Finally, MAC breaks the silence.**

 

**MAC**

I just don’t get it. She’s been here all day, and from what I can tell, this Sarah person is smart, opinionated, confident…

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah, everything Dennis hates in a woman.

 

**MAC**

I mean, she doesn’t look like the type of girl who could be D.E.N.N.I.S.’d. So why would Dennis bother with a girl he couldn’t work his system on?

 

**CHARLIE**

Oh, dude! Maybe she’s playing _him._

 

**MAC**

**(Extremely skeptical)**

What?

 

**CHARLIE**

I mean think about it! If she can’t be messed with, then maybe she’s messing with him. Maybe she has a S.A.R.A.H. system that she’s working on him as we speak, and he’s falling hook line and sinker for it!

 

**MAC**

I don’t know if I buy that. I mean, what would she gain? He’s broke, not that good-looking…

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Interrupting)**

Yeah, he’s got that waifish quality about him. I don’t know what women see in him.

 

**MAC**

… So what could she possibly be scamming him for, if that’s even what she’s doing?

 

**CHARLIE**

Well, I don’t know, but I do know that Sarah is a shifty name. I mean, you never know how it’s supposed to be spelled, so do you spell it with an ‘H’ at the end, or a ‘Z’ at the front…

 

**MAC**

A what at the front?

 

**CHARLIE**

You know, a ‘Z’. Like, Zarah. Z-A-R-A-H.

 

**MAC**

I’m pretty sure that’s not even a name. Like, I don’t think that’s even a thing anywhere.

 

**CHARLIE**

But you get what I’m saying, buddy. We gotta find out what this sneaky woman is up to, and what she wants to fish out of our best friend.

 

**MAC looks conspiratorial - Yeah, at first he thought what Charlie was saying was more than a bit crazy, but he’s starting to get into the idea.**

 

**MAC**

So you’re suggesting we do some detective work?

 

**Looking shifty, CHARLIE hefts the last of the garbage into the dumpster. The camera cuts back and forth between CHARLIE and MAC, who both look like they’re getting a bit too into the whole ‘detective work’ thing.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Mac, my buddy… That’s _exactly_ what I’m saying.

  


**SCENE 4:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB. DAY.**

 

**SARAH is sitting at the bar, and CHARLOTTE is on the other side, mixing her a drink. DENNIS is conspicuously nowhere in sight. Both women are laughing and talking.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(As if rounding off the end of a long and funny story)**

So then I said to the guy, ‘Oh my god, that’s not even where I keep my tampons!’

 

 **SARAH** **  
** **(Laughing right along with her)**

Weren’t you embarrassed?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why should I be? He was the one who was snooping around my bathroom.

 

**She pauses, passing SARAH’S finished drink across the table.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (CONT.)**

So, I know you probably get this a lot, but I gotta know - What makes a girl like you wanna end up with a guy like Dennis? I mean… not to sound whatever about it, but he’s not exactly known for commitment.

 

**SARAH seems unfazed by this. She shrugs it off like it’s question she gets all the time, visibly surprising CHARLOTTE - She expected SARAH to be annoyed at the very least.**

 

**SARAH**

Who says I’m in it for the commitment either?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

He told us you’ve been together for a month at this point.

  
  


**SARAH**

Well, sure, but does that mean I think it’s gonna last forever. What I’m saying is, I don’t have illusions about the kind of person he is. And there’s plenty of other fish in the sea, not to mention -

 

**As she’s saying this, in the distance CHARLOTTE notices MAC and CHARLIE looking at them through the window. They are both using binoculars to peek in on them, but CHARLIE is using his backwards. SARAH doesn’t see them, but CHARLOTTE’S eyes widen.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Cutting off SARAH’s sentence)**

Uhm, not that you’re not absolutely fascinating and everything, but I think I see some idiots - I mean, I think I see some _people_ outside that I need to talk to. Gimmie one minute. I’ll be right back.

 

**CHARLOTTE runs out from behind the bar, out the door. SARAH looks confused.**

 

** SCENE 5: **

**EXT: OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE catches up to MAC and CHARLIE, exasperated.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What are you two numnuts doing?

 

**She snatches CHARLIE’S binoculars out of his hands and flips it around so that they’re facing the right way. CHARLIE looks through them again and lets out an appreciative ‘oh’.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I was wondering when you two had gotten so small.

 

**MAC**

We’re doing very important incognito work, Charlotte!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What, by peeping in through the window at us like a pair of creepy neighbors? Where did you even get those binoculars?

  


**CHARLIE**

**(Shamefully)**

Secret Agent Sam’s Spy Kit.

 

**MAC**

We were gonna dust for fingerprints around the bar after you two were done talking.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dare I ask _why_?

 

**MAC**

We were trying to figure out what Sarah’s hiding from Dennis.

 

**CHARLIE**

We’re using the spy kit to figure out all her dirty secrets! She can’t deceive us forever.

 

**CHARLOTTE looks utterly confused and a little horrified.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You think she’s hiding something?

 

**MAC**

Well, I mean, she’s too perfect! And she’s nothing like the sorts of girls Dennis usually goes after, so we thought…

 

**CHARLIE**

You know, we thought she might be pulling trickery on him! She could be trying to do some identity theft, or pickpocket him while they’re having sex…

 

**CHARLOTTE**

How could you pickpocket someone while having sex with them?

 

**CHARLIE**

That’s just it! She’s so devious she figured out a way.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

So you’re convinced she’s using him for nefarious ends. And your only evidence to back up this ridiculous idea is the fact that she’s too good for him?

 

**MAC and CHARLIE look at one another.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Yeah.

 

**MAC**

Pretty much.

 

**CHARLIE**

Right on the money, actually.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Rolling her eyes)**

Alright, awesome. So, I’m gonna go back in there and continue my conversation with Sarah, a perfectly nice person who happens to be dating Dennis. You two, do whatever you want. I can’t stop you. But maybe spying on us isn’t the most proactive way to spend your afternoon.

 

**CHARLOTTE leaves, heading back into the bar. MAC and CHARLIE look at one another once more. It’s clear that he mini-lecture they just received from CHARLOTTE did nothing to steer them away from their mission. They nod, as if an unspoken agreement passed between them, and head out from their hiding spot to spy another way.**

 

**SCENE 6:**

**INT: THE BUSINESS OFFICE OF PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DEE is sitting at the desk, watching a video on the computer. DENNIS is reading a magazine. DEE keeps sneaking glances at DENNIS, who doesn’t seem to notice her. This continues for a little while until finally, DENNIS looks up.**

 

**DENNIS**

I can _feel_ your beady little bird eyes digging into the back of my head. What’s the issue?

 

**DEE**

Oh, nothing. Isn’t it just a bit weird that Sarah came over just to meet us, but she’s been spending all her time with Charlotte?  
  
  


**DENNIS**

**(Furrowing his brow, confused)**

Not really. God knows people tend to like Charlotte, though why that is I’m not sure. She’s got all the charisma of a piece of roadkill.

 

**DEE blinks. If she’s weirded out by that comparison, she doesn’t say anything about it. She goes back to her cat videos, half-paying attention, but keeps talking to DENNIS.**

 

**DEE**

I mean, we’ve all sort of sequestered off into our own little corners. We’re lurking in Frank’s office, for God’s sake. Isn’t that a little sad?

 

**DENNIS**

I wouldn’t say ‘lurking’, more like… spending valuable time outside of the realm of social interaction. I’ll let Charlotte handle Sarah for a little while.

 

**DEE**

Shouldn’t we be out at the bar?

 

**DENNIS**

It’s Tuesday. Nobody shows up on Tuesdays until after five at least, and it’s barely four thirty. We’re fine for another half hour. Go back to your cat videos.

 

**DEE**

Where did you meet this Sarah person anyway?

 

**DENNIS**

**(He’s definitely heard her perfectly well, and yet -)**

Wh-what?

 

**DEE**

Sarah. The girl at the bar currently talking to Charlotte. Your girlfriend?

 

**DENNIS**

**(Slightly jittery)**

Oh! Sarah. Yes. Sarah. My girlfriend of one month. Uh. Well. We met at the. Supermarket.

 

 **DEE** **  
** **(Flatly)**

The supermarket?

 

**DENNIS**

I mean, what can I say? Sometimes you just see a woman buying a steak at the butcher from across a fluorescent-lit landscape and you think… God damn, I’d like to get to know her.

 

**DEE**

So what, you just walked up to her and started chatting her up?

 

**DENNIS**

Pretty much.

 

**DEE**

And she was into it?

 

**DENNIS**

Dee, one of these days you’re gonna realize that despite the fact that you’re convinced I’m something of an, oh, what do you call it?

 

**DEE**

Disgusting, misogynistic piece of trash is the term I use most often.

 

**DENNIS**

Yes, yes, despite all that, women are drawn to me. I have an irresistible allure, Deandra. The sooner you accept this fact, the happier you’ll be.

 

**DEE**

She has no idea what a lowlife you are. Is this like Mandy? Is she convinced you’re rich? You’ve got to be tricking her somehow. She’s under your spell, but she doesn’t know the truth.

 

**DENNIS**

Sorry to burst your bubble, but Sarah is fully aware of both my financial situation and other, er… quirks of mine.

 

**DEE**

**(Not looking DENNIS in the eyes)**

...Does she know you can’t eat apples with the skins on them?

 

**DENNIS**

You bitch.

 

**DEE chuckles, knowing she, as usual, has all the keys to pissing off her brother. She clicks on another cat video, satisfied.**

 

**SCENE 7:**

**EXT: OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**MAC and CHARLIE are both dressed in all-black, like stereotypical burglars. They’re wearing ski masks and turtlenecks. They skulk through the alley behind Paddy’s like men on a mission. After a few moments, CHARLIE looks at MAC.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Man, what are we doing?

 

**MAC**

We’re ransacking Sarah’s car for evidence that she’s a fraud trying to take advantage of Dennis! You gotta get down with the up, my dude! Now gimmie the wrench, we’re breaking her windows.

 

**CHARLIE**

Maybe what Charlotte said was right.

 

**MAC**

Man, your sister has you pussy whipped, dude!

 

**CHARLIE**

Can you not use the word ‘pussy’ in reference to my sister?

 

**MAC**

Who cares? I still stand by the idea that this has got to be some kind of scheme on her part. Something’s fishy in France.

 

**CHARLIE**

Don’t you mean ‘Something’s rotten in Denmark’?

  


**MAC**

Dude, I’ve never been to Denmark.

 

**CHARLIE**

You’ve never been to France, either!

 

**MAC**

Don’t poke holes in my logic, dude! What I’m saying is that even if we ignore the obvious standing right in front of us, the fact remains that Sarah is fishy! She doesn’t have a last name!

 

**CHARLIE**

Just ‘cause we don’t know her last name doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one?

 

**MAC**

You were the one who suggested we do this in the first place! Now crack open her car windows so we can snoop around in there for clues!

 

**CHARLIE sighs, frustrated, but accepts the inevitability of fate. If he doesn’t help, MAC is just gonna do this by himself, and he doesn’t want nor does he need that. He lifts up the wrench he’s holding and slams it down on the window of SARAH’S car.**

 

**MAC punches through the crack in the glass in an impressive display of mental fortitude, but it’s all for naught, because he didn’t take into account that glass can cut. His hand is bleeding.**

 

**MAC**

Dude, oh my God, I’m bleeding!

 

**CHARLIE**

You just punched through a glass window, dude, of course you’re bleeding!

 

**MAC**

Why didn’t you tell me it would slice my hand open?

 

**MAC starts waving his hand wildly around, getting too close to CHARLIE and causing him to back away, horrified.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Dude, get your bloody hand away from my face!

 

**MAC**

I’m bleeding!

 

**CHARLIE**

We established that!

 

**MAC**

We just broke her window and now we can’t even get in there to investigate!

 

**CHARLIE**

We gotta get outta here before we -

 

**There is a beat. CHARLIE and MAC both sense that there’s someone behind them. And when they turn around, CHARLOTTE and SARAH are staring at them, dumbfounded.**

 

**SARAH**

Did you just punch through the window of my car?

 

**MAC**

It was an accident!

 

**SARAH**

Well it sure didn’t look like an accident!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What are you two, insane? And why are you wearing ski masks?

 

**MAC**

All very good questions, but if you haven’t noticed, Charlotte, my hand is bleeding! Can we save the lecture for another time when I’m not in danger of getting tetanus from my _open wound_?

 

**CHARLOTTE sighs, the kind of sigh that only a long-suffering employee of Paddy’s Pub could truly emit.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Go inside, I’ll dress your hand. Dumbass.

 

**MAC and CHARLIE head inside. CHARLOTTE turns to SARAH.**

  


**CHARLOTTE (CONT.)**

I really am sorry about that. Jesus, they’re complete idiots, I swear. Are you gonna be able to get that fixed?

 

**SARAH**

I’m not sure if my car insurance covers a window being punched by my boyfriend’s roommate, but I’ll manage. I think I’m gonna duck out right about now - Might as well kill two birds with one stone and get this fixed.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I feel bad that I kinda monopolized your time for today. Dennis is in the office if you wanna say goodbye.

 

**SARAH**

**(Shaking her head)**

I’ll text him and let him know what happened. He’ll understand why I had to leave. Thanks anyway for keeping me company today. You’re pretty cool.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Clearly flattered)**

Oh, wow. You’re not such bad company yourself. I mean, you laughed at my tampon story, which is more than I can say for pretty much everyone I tell it to.

 

**SARAH laughs, heads toward her car, and gets inside. She speaks out of the broken window.**

 

**SARAH**

Text me sometime, alright? We can do lunch.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Sounds like a plan. Good luck with the car!

 

**SARAH drives away.**

 

**SCENE 8:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE is dressing MAC’S bloody hand while CHARLIE sits nearby with DEE.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You are an idiot.

 

**MAC**

That’s the eightieth time you’ve told me that.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

And it’s not any less true. Dennis told us not to do anything dumb in front of this girl, but no, you got suspicious about her intentions so you smashed the window of her car open.

 

**DEE**

Why didn’t you just use the wrench to smash the window open?

 

**MAC**

Well, we used the wrench to get it to the point where we could use our fists for the final result.

 

**DEE**

But why?

 

**MAC**

**(Scoffing)**

Um, because it’s so much more badass to break open a car with your own fist? Jesus, Dee, think for two seconds, would’ja?

 

 **DEE and CHARLOTTE share a sympathetic look -** **_“Can you believe these guys?”_ ** **Suddenly, DENNIS bursts in.**

 

**DENNIS**

Where’s Sarah?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Surprised)**

What, she didn’t text you? She left because Mac punched a hole through her car window.

 

**DENNIS**

She… what?

 

**MAC lifts up his hand as if to clarify what had happened.**

  


**DENNIS**

Oh my God?

 

**MAC**

**(Not sorry)**

Sorry, man. We had to figure out her secrets.

 

**DENNIS**

Her _secrets_?

 

**CHARLIE**

Dude, she was so obviously playing you! I mean, I dunno if it was for cash or whatever,

 

**MAC**

**(Interrupting)**

‘Cause you’ve got like none of that.

 

**CHARLIE**

But she was so obviously using a system on you!

 

**DENNIS**

Is _that_ what you think she was doing?

 

**DEE**

I mean, I was thinking something similar.

 

**DENNIS**

Wait, you were too?

 

**DEE**

Well, not to toot my own gaydar, but I was getting some major lez vibes from her. I thought maybe she was using Dennis as her beard. I mean, why else would she want to spend that much time with Charlotte?

 

**DEE turns to CHARLOTTE, who looks extremely offended.**

 

**DEE (CONT.)**

I mean… She was so clearly flirting with Charlotte from the get-go. And Charlotte was flirting right back. I could see it!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I resent that! I was so not flirting with her! She’s Dennis’ girlfriend, and I’m not some kind of homewrecker!

 

**DENNIS**

Alright, everybody, _shut up_!

 

**Everybody looks at DENNIS like he’s just grown another head.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT.)**

For _once_ in my life, I bring a woman over to this bar with the intent of introducing her to my friends. I have been dating Sarah for _one month_ , and I don’t think she’s gonna want to see me again after this! I never ask anything of you idiots, and now she probably thinks you’re all certified lunatics! So thank you. Thank you for ruining my chances with maybe the only woman who I feel like I have a solid, long-running connection to. This is exactly why I kept her a secret from you for a whole month. _This is why_.

 

**MAC**

**(Softening)**

Dennis, I-

 

**DENNIS**

**(Holding up his hand to cut MAC off)**

No, don’t even _try_ apologizing. I’m going to go out and try to call her and see if she wants to see me again, despite the fact that my friends are insane. And if anybody interrupts me in this endeavor, I swear in the name of God, I will unleash the fury of Zeus himself upon whatever unlucky soul thinks they’re more important than my only chance at love.

 

**With this established, DENNIS walks out of the room.**

**CUT TO: A shot of the gang looking at one another silently, not sure what to say after that. Did Dennis just admit to caring deeply about a romantic partner?**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(Clearing his throat)**

We really screwed that one up, didn’t we?

 

**MAC**

Yeah. Maybe trying to break into her car wasn’t the smartest idea.

 

**DEE**

I think insinuating that she was a lesbian didn’t help either.

 

**Nobody says anything for a moment.**

 

 **DEE (CONT.)** **  
** **(To CHARLOTTE)**

… _Were_ you flirting with her?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Slightly defensively)**

No.

 

**DEE**

Really?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yes! I already said I’m not a homewrecker, Dee.

 

**DEE**

But do you think she was flirting with you?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I mean… I don’t… I’ve never been good at telling when someone is flirting with me unless they’re like, super weird and upfront about it like Dennis was when I first started working here!

 

**MAC**

Well it doesn’t matter now. Why don’t we all just… collectively agree to stop messing around with those two, right? If she’s doing something nefarious, it’ll be Dennis’ prerogative. Agreed?

 

**EVERYONE**

Agreed.

 

**SCENE 9:**

**EXT: OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS, having stormed out, bumps into Frank outside of the pub.**

  


**DENNIS**

Frank, you’ve been missing in action practically all day.

 

**FRANK**

Yeah, but I saw what happened! Did you see?

 

**DENNIS**

I got what I needed secondhand. Did Mac really punch through her car window?

 

**FRANK**

**(Nodding sagely)**

Right through it.

 

**DENNIS**

Goddammit. That idiot.

 

**FRANK**

He’s smarter than you give him credit for.

 

**DENNIS**

I don’t know why in the hell I thought he’d be able to take anything I say at face value. He’s always gotta stick his nose where it doesn’t belong… seriously, he ruined my attempts at D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing Charlotte, and now he’s ruining my operation with Sarah!

 

**FRANK**

What can I say? The kid likes conspiracies.

 

**DENNIS**

I’m gonna try to call her and see if she wants to see me again.

 

**DENNIS leaves. FRANK goes in the opposite direction.**

 

**SCENE 10:**

**EXT: THE ALLEY OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS practically whips out his phone and dials it with single-minded determination. A dial tone sounds as he lifts his phone to his ear.**

 

**DENNIS**

Am I gonna have to increase your fee for the broken window?

 

**A quick cut - we see that on the other end is SARAH, sitting in the waiting room for a garage. Behind her there is a window, and through the window we can see that her car window is being replaced.**

 

**The shot cuts back and forth between SARAH and DENNIS as they talk.**

 

**SARAH**

**(Annoyed)**

We can work that out.

 

**DENNIS**

I hope you’re happy that they’re all suspicious - that’s all on you.

 

**SARAH**

I was doing the best I could.

 

**DENNIS**

You were flirting with Charlotte when you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship with _me_!

 

**SARAH**

I was not flirting with her! I was subtly letting her know that I was interested in women. I mean, at some point you and ‘Sarah’ are gonna have to break up, and she was cute.

 

**DENNIS**

I could hear you from inside the office. You were so obviously flirting with her. How am I supposed to trick them into thinking I have a happy, steady relationship when you’re putting the moves on someone else?

 

**SARAH**

You are not paying me enough to do this.  
  


**DENNIS**

As if you were making any good money doing summer stock shows. Frank giving you this job opportunity did you a favor.

 

**SARAH**

What, so you could sell PCP in nightclubs without your friends suspecting anything? That’s majorly sketchy.

 

**DENNIS**

Yes, exactly! Everybody gets something out of this deal! I get to sell hard drugs without my friends interfering, you get a steady paycheck. What is so hard to grasp about this concept, Sarah?

 

**SARAH**

My name isn’t Sarah! God, how many times do I need to tell you that?

 

**DENNIS**

I don’t care what your real name is, you bitch! You’re not going to be the one to screw this up for me, understand?

 

**SARAH grows angry at DENNIS’S obvious mistreatment of her. It’s clear that this isn’t the first time he’s said something similar to her, and finally she responds in kind. Triumphantly.**

 

**SARAH**

You know what? I don’t want your weird goblin dad’s blood money, and I don’t _care_ if your friends muscle in on your weird drug business. I’m done. Done with you, done with this stupid job. Find another poor actress to pretend to be your girlfriend, because I’m quitting.

 

**And with that, she hangs up the phone, shoving it into her pocketbook and looking like a massive weight has lifted off of her shoulders. The look in her eyes is satisfied. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a sheet of paper. Upon a close-up, we see that on the paper is written:**

 

**_“Charlotte Kelly_ **

**_215-555-3754”_ **

 

**A cut back to her face. SARAH is satisfied. She’s going to call CHARLOTTE as soon as she gets her car fixed.**

 

**SCENE 11:**

**EXT: OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**DENNIS continues screaming obscenities into the phone, apparently unaware that he’s been hung up on.**

 

**DENNIS**

You bitch! You goddamn worthless bitch! How dare you! How dare -

 

**Suddenly, he stops. He turns. Behind him, DEE, MAC, CHARLOTTE, and CHARLIE are standing there and looking at him. DEE has a satisfied smile on her face. CHARLOTTE is shocked, her mouth hanging open. MAC and CHARLIE look extremely thrilled that they were right about SARAH being a scam the whole time.**

 

**DEE**

So you hired her.

 

**DENNIS thinks for a moment, trying to figure out a way to worm his way out of it, but he knows within seconds that he’s unable to do it this time. He concedes defeat.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(Lifting his hands up in an ‘I surrender’ moment)**

Yeah. Fine. You caught me! Her name isn’t Sarah. She’s an actress. I hired her so you all wouldn’t try to get on on me and Frank’s newest business venture.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Which would be…?

 

**DENNIS**

PCP! Club drugs! The hard shit! I’ve been selling it! I hired her so that you guys would think that’s where I’ve been disappearing to at night, but apparently she was just too in love with Charlotte over here to keep the gay shit to a minimum.

 

**DEE**

**(Looking extremely satisfied that she was correct)**

So she _is_ a lesbian!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Looking at DEE, shocked)**

What, don’t you care about the fact that your brother’s been selling illegal drugs behind your back? That’s pretty bad.

 

**DENNIS**

**(Suddenly concerned)**

You’re not gonna go to the police, are you?

 

**EVERYONE looks at CHARLOTTE. Under pressure from their scrutinizing eyes, she thinks on that for a moment, seriously considering it, but pretty soon she folds. She sighs heavily.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No, I guess not. You gotta stop though. Seriously, no more selling PCP. That’s like… _extremely_ illegal.

 

**THE GANG all look at one another for a moment. All but CHARLOTTE start laughing. When they stop letting, DEE gets somewhat serious, turning to DENNIS.**

 

**DEE**

Next time you and Frank decide to pull some shit like this, I want to help. 50/50 split.

 

**CHARLIE**

Make that a three-way split, I wanna get in on that too!

 

**MAC**

Um, if Charlie and Dee are in I want in too? Four ways or nothing.

 

**CHARLOTTE throws her hands up in the air, sighing and leaving. She’s not going to go to the police, but in her heart she’s called the cops on these losers twenty times over. The gang continues fighting over who get what ammount of a cut of the hypothetical PCP money.**

 

**SCENE 12:**

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE stalks into the pub, past FRANK, who stops her.**

 

**FRANK**

Did Dennis fire the actress?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(Tired. So, so tired, deep in her bones)**

Yeah.

 

**FRANK**

Guess I’m gonna have to talk to him about that.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Guess you will.

 

**Suddenly, an 8bit version of the theme to Jaws starts playing. CHARLOTTE digs her cell phone out of her pocket and clicks the unlock button, and on the lock screen we can clearly see who’s calling her.**

 

**CALL FROM: SARAH**

 

**CHARLOTTE smiles fondly at her phone. She picks it up. As she walks out of the room, ignoring FRANK, she greets the call on the other end. At least for now, she’s managed to find someone in Philly to talk to besides the gang.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Hey! Sarah! I was wondering when you’d call… Wait, your name isn’t Sarah? Guess I’ll have to change my contact name, then… what? Of course I put you in my contacts! Alright, so, real name is…?

 

**THE END**


End file.
